is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
