Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
