How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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