I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
