Im at strip club and am horny
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
