Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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