Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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