Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize