ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
