I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Less talking, more tequila
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Terrible idea I love it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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