A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
