he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
