He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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