just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
