They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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