Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
