her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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