I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
