I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
