Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
