for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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