We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
