in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
