RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
