she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
