I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
