Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
