i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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