hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
