Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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