That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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