The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
