Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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