The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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