Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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