So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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