Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
They are going to name an STD after you.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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