I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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