I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
