I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
