The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
