I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
