gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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