question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
