i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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