Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize