apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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