so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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