Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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