good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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