Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
