Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
