Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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